Trying to Fall Back in Love.
It’s not easy to fall out of love with something that holds a tremendous amount of your identity, plans, dreams, and greatest aspirations.
When you fall out of love with one of the greatest loves you’ve ever known, you are left with a version of yourself that is barely recognizable. You find yourself standing in the ashes of what was, with the option to rebuild or join the ashes. When rebuilding is an option, it can seem impossible, too heavy, unclear, and almost entirely unattainable.
Rebuilding is an invitation to let go of what is no longer meant for you and courageously seek what is.
Every season in life takes and gives; some seasons take everything, replenishing very little, while others refill everything they take. We are never the same after a significant chapter in our lives. We move into the next chapter as either a stronger, more resilient, fuller version of ourselves or with a complete loss of identity. I lost everything when I fell out of love; every recess of my heart and soul surrendered. What I was so passionate about and, more so, so sure of, crumbled to the ground all around me. There was no clear path out of it. It would be days turned to months and months turned to years that I could navigate the movement, the climb, the uneven, rubble-filled path to find the lantern flickering in the darkness. The fire that once blazed is also the fire that turned everything to ash. The darkness touched every possible area, and I accepted it as a constant companion until the light reappeared.
When the darkness is all-consuming, you cannot rush out of it. You have to stay with it until it is finished with you. Darkness is a process, a season, a chapter that will eventually lead you back to the light, one that is excruciating and utterly necessary.
Humans have no greater example of hope when we rebuild after complete ruin. Hope is vital to survival. Hope is the commonality understood by all. Hope is what keeps us searching for the light in the midst of substantial darkness.
Hope is the greatest gift we can give one another, and we all have an incomparable way of giving that.
Survival is the word that closely fits where I am emerging from. I have been in the years-long process of the “great undoing.” My clear path became a rug pulled out from under my feet. Yet again, I was reminded that my plans for my life are often not those that are meant for me. I would never have dreamed where I am today is where I was going this entire time. It all makes sense now, or at least the picture is much clearer.
I am in new territory, but I wouldn’t be anywhere else. I have learned the heartbreaking lesson that pain can be turned into purpose, and no hard season is ever wasted.
I will continue to navigate this new chapter of my life, and continue to process what has come to pass. I will also strive to courageously share more with you. While I have accepted two of my greatest loves, photography and writing, are not meant to continue in the same way, they are still an aching part of my existence that is screaming to exist. I have learned not to try and guess what the future holds but to instead hold tightly to what feels right and let the rest fall away, trusting everything falls into place at the right time and in the right way.
I am sorry I disappeared.
I am most grateful to you for caring about what I have to share. As always, I truly hope my truth will somehow find its way into your heart and speak to what is meant for you. If you read these words and find yourself surrounded by darkness, may this be the flickering light you’ve been searching for.
In hope of what is to come,
Allyson
A change of perspective was in order. On a whim, I bought a camera I could carry around and set “the big camera” down for awhile. It’s time to see my world in a different way.